Like everyone else, when the clock struck midnight and 2013 began I vowed to make changes. Unlike others, I decided to keep my resolutions to myself for a while. Like wishing on a star or an eyelash, if I told anyone, they may not come true.
My resolutions were not to lose weight or quit smoking They were promises to myself and to my family. I had slowly slipped away from being the person I worked so hard to be. By 11:59pm on December 31, 2012 I barely recognized myself. I resolved to change that.
It all started pre-2013 with a few vows to go back to what I believe in. That change ended up being easy. Eating healthier, using more cloth diapers, laughing more and spending more time doing things that make us happy. These were simple precursors to the two big resolutions I was about to embark on. I needed to make them work. I needed the change.
We are 42 days into 2013 and I already feel better. I feel truer and more honest. I feel like me.
First to go was my expectation for my toddler to be "perfect" and "behave". I planned to go back to the way of parenting that made more sense to me. A more peaceful approach to raising my daughter. I made my expectations of her more realistic.
She is little. Very very little. The world is a new, big and wondrous place. I will let her explore it and express her feelings the only way she knows how. I will speak to her in a respectful manner, never saying anything to her that I would not want said to me. I will be present. I will be understanding. I will enjoy these fleeting moments of her childhood because before long she will be grown and I will not be able to go back and do it over again. This is my one chance.
Next was unrealistic expectations of myself. I was overly hard on myself and never allowed room for mistakes. I often felt jealous of others. I pushed people away and closed myself off. As my anxiety grew my relationships diminished.
I am human. My perfections lie in my imperfections. I can only be who I am and not anyone else. I need to forgive myself before I can ever forgive others. There are a whole lot of folks who love me for who I am not who I may become. I will remember to breath and try to be my truest self, even if that isn't exactly what people expect/want from me. I am who I am and I need to respect that.
I have surrounded myself with people and things I love for the past 42 days. I have worked on rebuilding relationships that are meaningful and have let go of toxic ones. I pause and relish in my gratitude for this life. I breath in the scent of my daughters head and am deeply moved by the love I feel for this little person. I watch the Hubs walk in the door after doing what he loves all day and can not imagine a better person to share my world with.
I am exceptionally blessed and had lost sight of that. 2013 will be the year of realization and awakening for me. I wish the same for you all.